"The Blind"

February 2020 marks the month my life changed forever. It marks the beginning of a story where I am not the author but a character in the greatest adventure. It marks the night that Jesus came into my room where I was alone and in the dark. It marks the moment when Jesus came and told me “you are mine”. February 2022, I am now reflecting on that night. Reflecting on when I met Jesus. Reflecting on how my eyes were cleared.

I am always one to write the pretty words, edit the aesthetic pictures, create the pleasing outfits and for once in my life I want to let down the walls of my “perfect” image. God gave me a word for 2022: realness. I don’t know how that will play out in this year but I know what he is doing now. Right now, I wish I was blind again. I wish I could explain how I feel as those words are written out (mostly anxious about how that will be perceived by other people and sad that I've let myself get this far) but it’s the truth. I wish I didn’t know the ins and outs of the church building. I wish I didn’t know the many labels and titles that come within religion. I wish I didn’t know the expectations people have of me in the church world. I wish I didn’t know.. (and this is hard).. the calling God has on my life. But the truth is I do know. I know it and I live in it. You probably are asking “why, why do you wish you didn’t know?”

In February 2020 I was lead by Christ into quarantine at home. For 6 months: I didn’t have a church. I didn’t know the titles and labels. I didn’t have any expectations from people. I didn’t know my calling. All I knew was God, the Bible, and Jesus’ Love. I did whatever the Holy Spirit put on my heart, my words weren’t crafted to a specific audience or to gain approval. I spoke words with no intention but to please my Father above. I didn’t change myself unless I was told to by God’s word. And I was far less distracted than I am now. I was blind to the world. You might say "why does this matter anaya?" I wish I could take you with me to the time I had alone with God. I am build on a foundation of solely living off of God. When I entered the world of church buildings and ministry, I was not pre-adjusted. I had no idea what I was walking into. I was blind walking into a lion's den. The deeper I walked in, the more God opened doors, the more people I met, the more I accepted my calling. The more I felt lost. (Here’s where I get real) I felt loneliness in church when everyone knew the Bible stories the pastor was mentioning because they were raised taught in his word and I didn't. I felt lonely when I realized my old friends felt as though they couldn’t hangout with me anymore because of the title “Christian”. I felt lonely when I walked into church and barely saw anyone who looked like me or my family. I also felt isolated when the sermon would mention sin in a third party view saying how bad it was, and someone in the audience would say “they could never imagine doing something like that”. Only did they know; I had a story similar to that. I felt isolated when I didn’t know if I should change the way I dress because it wasn’t what I saw on Sunday mornings or the classic Instagram pictures everyone post. I felt overwhelmed when I was leading in places I felt overlooked. I felt stuck in places where I couldn’t see why God put me there. I felt hurt and pain when I realized even leaders can fall under the hand of the enemy. I felt confused when relationships turned from friendships to mentorships. I felt frustrated when everything was going against me. I felt anger when I saw Christians… (I say this with love and forgiveness).. when I saw Christians preach one thing but their actions say another. “Wow Anaya, that's a very negative approach..” yes, you can call it that but that’s why I felt burden, heartbreak, and sadness as well. I saw my people hurting and broken.

Let me stop and say this: I say all of this more so “negative” stuff because most people know I talk about the good life all the time. I praise God for what he has done in my life. I live a very privileged life when it comes to Christianity. I am also very blessed in the things God has done in my life within 2 years but I’ll talk about that later. But I just wanted to state, my focus is not on the negative but when are we supposed to talk about it? People tell us to just deal with it. Well I’ve dealt with it, I’m still dealing with some of it, and now I’m going to share it. People who are new to Christianity need to hear the truth of following Christ. It’s not pretty. It’s not an aesthetic. It’s a narrow pathway, following a savior who died on a Cross for all of our sin and rose form the dead three days later! It’s a walk of life in which we will endure what Jesus endured. We will be mocked and killed. We will weep and praise. We will have community and they will fail us while also uplifting us. We see all of this in scripture. So can I talk about my “negative” feelings and memories? I should be able to. So like I said “I wish I was blind again.”

I knew Jesus would be weeping along with me. I didn't know how to handle these feelings; I was never taught it was okay. So I seeked Jesus, I waited for him to tell me what to do. Truth be told, he told me to wait. He told me I had to see these things and experiecne this hurt to truly understand my calling. I was frustrated with that answer, I didn't what to hold my tongue or cry alone. But God told me it would all be worth it and he would be my strength.

A bible story comes to mind when talking about waiting for Jesus when you are blind. Once again thank goodness for God's word because this story spoke to my heart in this season.

Blind Bartimaeus Receives His Sight: Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. Mark 10.46-52

This story of the blind man really touched my heart why because of two reasons: he waited and he shouted. Jesus and his disciples were coming out of Jericho when the blind man was sitting on the roadside. From the way he called out to Jesus, he knew the miracle Jesus could do for him. He knew and he waited until he had the chance to shout for Jesus. We must wait in the hard season for Jesus but we must not get discouraged and we must not shift our focus from Jesus. because when Jesus passes by, we need to shout to him even if people rebuke us. We shout to Jesus because we know we need him.

So when I say I want to be blind again, I want to be blind like I was before because I was constantly shouting out to Jesus. Let’s dive deeper: I wish I was blind to everything but Jesus. I want to see his people the way I saw them before I was hurt. I want to be passionate about ministry and my calling like I was before I was burnt-out. I want to meet Jesus in the way I met him before: alone and surrendered. Are these things impossible to get? No, they are what I am working for right now. I am working on going back to what I covered up because I wasn’t taught how to handle those feelings as a disciple of Jesus. I am picking up the cross and facing all of my built up feelings because truth be told the most heartbreaking thing that has happened wasn’t seeing my leaders fall but it was reflecting and seeing myself slowly falling. February 2020 to February 2022. I have accomplished many firsts through Christ: I was baptized as a real sign of surrender for the first time, I volunteered in church for the first time, I went to church as a believer for the first time, I went to conferences for the first time, I worshiped fully for the first time, I prayer over people for the first time, I preached for the first time, I became a pastor for the first time, I went to Christian College for the first time, I rebuilt my foundation on Christ for the first time, I was anointed for the first time, I was called for the first time, I grew my gifts in God for the first time, and because of all of that I realized how unimportant I was. See, This isn’t a blog post to take down the church or church people but rather build them up. This is to encourage you to spend time and understand why you feel the way you feel then give it to Jesus. We know the right answer (thank goodness for the Bible) but it’s hard to translate words from the Bible to the actions in our daily life. So how has God called me to help build the church up well it's by sharing what I have learned throughout my seasons with God. What have I learned through my experiences (good and bad)?

Here are 5 points I want to leave you with in hopes to challenge you to be more real about your walk with Christ! (Being real isn’t being negative; being real is being honest and transparent in all scenarios of your life. You are willing to show the good, bad, the highs, the lows, and the in-between! It doesn’t have to be to everyone like I am choosing to do but it can be to your close friends and family! Maybe it’s even taking the steps to be honest with God!)

Point One: Read the word of God

This seems like an "I know" type of point but let's be real how many of us read over that point and say I do that already, knowing we haven't read in a couple of weeks? maybe it's just me, remember we are all about being real. Be honest, what does your time with God look like? I am not just making points to make points but I have seen how reading the word of God helps me understand my feelings better. So, make a plan to read the word everyday (I am not going to say start of slow read every other day, because I believe starting a habit with Jesus isn't as hard as we make it seem). I read in the mornings because I can always wake up earlier and read but my nights aren't so easy to plan. I also enjoy starting my day off with God. But whatever you do, make sure you can actually keep it up. The more you do something, the more your body will desire it when you are not. Also never be afraid to use a good-ole bible app to search up verses for a specific emotion you are feeing.

Point Two: Talk it out to Jesus

When I say talk it out to Jesus, I really mean opening your mouth and letting words come out. Jesus wants to hear from us so why do we act like we are bothering him with our problems. Talk to him and it helps when we say it aloud so we can hear what we are saying as well. Things sound different once we try to vocalize ourselves out loud; it helps process the millions of thoughts going through your head. I process aloud all the time to Jesus because it helps me truly understand what's bothering me. I'll say things and be like "oh wow so that's how I feel - Thanks Jesus."

Point Three: Write it out

Write out what you hear from Jesus, the truth you get from reading, and how you feel. When we write things out we are giving ourselves documents to return to when these feelings come back again. We are also allowing the truth of God to really soak into our minds so that we can subconsciously connect our emotions to the words of God. I challenge you for 7 days (to start off) keep a journal. You choose what it looks like but let it be an outlet for you.

Point Four: Pray about it

Whatever we bring to God, we should not give up praying about it until he has answered the prayers. So many times we pray once and say okay God your turn but God says do you have enough faith to pray even when you can't see. Pray and pray and pray. Don't stop praying and pray about everything; nothing is too small for God's ears. I even sometimes write my prayers out because I want to be able to look back and say God showed up for that one and he'll show up again.

Point Five: Go to your circle

God has called us into community. Go to those who you trust and who you know will speak biblical truth to you. (meaning if you know your bestfreind is just going to give you what you want to hear then don't go to them, if you know your boyfriend/girlfriend is just going to say get over it don't go to them, if you know your friends are going to encourage your frustrations/anger don't go to them. Think and pray carefully about the people you should go to) I have a few trusted bestfreinds, mentors, and church leaders that I go to when I need advice on my emotions or a situation. I am so thankful for my circle because they will call me out when I need to be checked and they will acknowledge when my emotions are valid while also helping me find the best biblical way to handle them. I wouldn't be where I am today without my circle. So I encourage you to pray and to write out who you believe God is telling you to go to. A lot of my close circle are people God told me to trust; it wasn't me picking my closest friends so spend time listening and have an open heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope this can encourage you that your "negative feelings" don't need to be covered up but need to be talked about especially to God. He won't be mad or disappionted at you, He loves you and he wants to hear everything. I would love to hear stories about how God has talked to you about frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and etc. You can contact me through instagram or through the connect page! Sending much love <3

written by Anaya Hunter :)