I Am A Failure.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, he who is blessed forever, knows that I am not lying." - 2 Corinthians 11:30-31

Disclaimer: I am a failure...

Dear Brothers and Sisters, I want to address an area of my life that is greatly affecting my whole

being. Some of this might come as a shock to some who read it or maybe I have shared my torments with you personally. Whatever the case may be, I can't go on living a lie. I am a failure. For the past six months, I have lived out of this mindset. I have allowed the enemy to come back into my life and rule over my mind. Though six months ago, I started to live out of this mindset in a way that greatly resented God. Prior months led me to this place. This identity of failure became my sole reason for doing anything. I poured myself into ministry projects to mask the identity of failure... to prove myself worthy of what God has given me and used me for. I started to resent those around me who pointed out faults in me or called me higher because that meant I wasn't doing a good enough job of being perfect. I wasn't being spiritual enough because if I was they wouldn't see these flaws of mine. How greatly lost I was... These things went unnoticed during this time however it was these small seeds that led to greater afflictions. I started to drink again in a way that represented my old ways. I was sneaking drinks at events, waiting for the moment I could go back home to Alabama because I knew I could drink. Whilst telling myself, "I did the work to be able to do this. I overcame the power alcohol has over my life. God is okay with this." How greatly I was lost.... the small seeds had started taking root, started creating personalized half-truths. Without my church guardrails, these roots started to grow. I was back in my old ways. Still underestimating how greatly lost I was... until I became a physical failure.

Failure: 1. Lack of success 2. The omission of expected or required action 3. The action or state of not functioning - google

How could I possibly face God now? How could I possibly be worthy of anything God has for me?

How could I possibly be saved? How could I... Failure. At this moment, I questioned everything I knew of God. Everything God had ever done through me and for me. I questioned every Holy Spirit moment. At this moment, I cried because I failed God, I failed those around me, I failed my visions and calling, I failed myself. At this moment, that fear of failure turned up the voice of the enemy. He began to speak things over me that I would begin to believe. He told me to run, to hide because I would be punished. I would be turned away. I began to speak the "truths" out loud. In the depths of my sorrow, I uttered the words "The past two years with God meant nothing." (how my spirit aches at the remembrance) I uttered these words to my closest Sister in Christ in which she cried and reminded me of the truth. At that moment, when she asked me if understood what I said about God and how it was wrong. I could only see how she was right about one thing. I understood my words but I couldn't see how I was wrong. I was tormented. How could I end up here? How could I become this failure? I tried to seek God but I was only met with more torment. I couldn't sit in his presence for more than a second or I would begin to feel an uproar in my spirit which I ran away from. I ran from this until I couldn't anymore. I was a failure living out a failure life. There is no beauty in that sentence. There is no pity to be had with that sentence. However, my story does not end there. The beauty comes after that sentence when God came and turned that sentence for his glory and his glory alone.

A Failure living a Redeemed Life.

In 2 Corinthians Apolsole Paul talks of his own torment. Let's read his words together starting in

Chapter 12 verse 5: "On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses - though if I should wish to boast. I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth: but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Let's dive deeper. We do not know Paul's thorn which I believe is intentional by Paul. However, what we can gather is that this Thorn isn't just a splinter that is annoying but this thorn brings pain into Paul's life. With this thorn, his ministry is slowed and Paul pleads for this thorn to be taken away. However, God does the opposite. (I will not get into how the Thorn is from Satan and how God allows the thorn so I suggest you do your own reading to understand the message in full context) God tells Paul that His Grace is sufficient for Paul meaning God is sufficient for Paul. Why use the word Grace then? From what we can gather through the study of Grace: Grace is freely given. Grace can not be worked for. God is telling Paul no matter your work know I am your strength. I am what makes you sufficient. Therefore this thorn is now redefined in the eyes of Paul. Before the thorn is holding him back, it represents pain, and Paul wants a life without it. However, after God's words, the thorn represents the strength of God in Paul's life. It serves as a reminder that Paul without God is weak but with God, Paul has strength. What is your thorn? I have a thorn that has been in my life for a long time. My thorn is a failure. I have feared failing since I was a pre-teen. I have feared failed relationships, failed dreams, and failed morals. Because of this, I started to do things that would make people expect less of me because you can't fail if people don't expect a lot from you. As a Christian, I have cried out to God to take this from me. I have told myself "I can't do ministry with this". Can you guess God's response? Failure when not brought to God led me to run, to hide, to live a life that failures live. With God, this thorn reminds me of everything I am without God. This thorn reminds me of words I've uttered that make us weep. This thorn reminds me that it's through the Trinity I can share my weaknesses, lead well, and become more holy every day. This thorn is a reminder that I am a failure living a redeemed life. My identity does not rest in the first part but in the second part. I am redeemed. I am still walking this out and truthfully it is hard. I am having to go back and find the half-truths I indulged myself in. I share this with the intent of starting to live with a newly defined thorn. As well as to encourage you. I may not know your thorn or what sins you have committed but please hear me and take to heart: you are sufficient in God. You are not disqualified because of your sin. That does not make sin okay but it makes sin forgiven. Take time to remember who Jesus is and what God calls you.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affiction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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To those, I have led wrong, misrepresented what a Christian life looks like, and even participate in sin with: I am sorry. With my deepest regards, I hope you can forgive me. I am aware of what my words and actions can do in others' lives. Therefore I understand in the past year I have done God unjustly. I can now only ask that you forgive me and that you see me as I truly am. I am weak in the flesh. However, through God I am strong. I can only pray our future conversations represent Heaven more accordingly and that you see God through me, not the world.